Return To Dependency

We have three equal sides: THE ADULT, THE CHILD and THE PARENT.

All three are vital to us having a rounded personality.

Childhood is wonderful, filled with play and exploration, learning and wonder.

These are the qualities we must take into adulthood.

Never lose or repress the child in us - it is a valuable and necessary side to us.

The other side of childhood however, is the dependency.

Children are dependants.

Children are all born helpless, and everything has to be done for them.

The universe revolves around them, their needs are met instantly.

This is perfectly normal and necessary for the first period of their lives.

But gradually, we as parents, begin the process of weaning.

Teaching our children that they can be responsible for aspects of their lives.

Teaching them the difference between needs and wants.

Teaching them that they can't have everything immediately, and have to wait patiently sometimes.

During this period of weaning, the child will rebel. Will 'try-it-on'. Will push the boundaries. This may take the form of sulking, crying, moping, throwing tantrums, stamping feet, throwing themselves onto the floor in a rage.

As people grow older in age, their return to dependency may get more subtle. They may resort to manipulating, complaining, dropping hints, making their partner feel guilty. Fits of anger. Raised voices. Storming out of the house. Driving too fast. Being aggressive/defensive. Hurling accusations.

Why do we, as grown-ups  exhibit these child-ish characteristics? Could it be because we find the real, Now, world overwhelming? Do we feel ill equipped to deal with our current situation? Does it make us feel vulnerable?  So, instead of acknowledging this and asking for help and support (which would be the mature thing to do), we look around in panic, for someone, anyone, anything to blame. Except ourselves. Unfortunately, it's usually our close family that get it from us first.

If we were forced to repress our child-nature when we were young, we may now feel guilty or embarrassed when the child in us needs attention. If we deny the child in us attention, it may come out in depression, overwhelm, stress, sickness and dis-ease. This is where the work/life balance is important. If we work hard, we need to play hard too.  Like children!

Another trait of grown-ups "Returning to Dependency", is some people may become ill or maintain an illness in order to get the kind of help and support, love and attention they feel they need. People who were not nurtured as children (or who don't know how to nurture and love themselves) may make themselves unemployable or undesirable, thereby remaining dependants.

The characteristic which I relate to in this sad array, is the complaining. Constant complaints and criticisms. Why do we do this? It makes us so unattractive. Is it because we see ourselves as superior to others? Perhaps a bit of humility and compassion and of course empathy would go a long way here.

Recognising this as a child-ish trait, helped me overcome it.

As we often say: "Better to light a candle than complain about the darkness".

Means:

Stop whinging,  and do something about it!

Improve your world, rather than complain about it!

Take action to solve your problem, rather than griping about it!

Wise words

Child-Like, not Child-ish

Children are wonderful, childhood is wonderful.

Children explore.

Children are fascinated with the world

Children see everything with new, big, wide eyes.

Children are satisfied with the simple things of life, like an empty box or a grassy hill.

Children are consumed with learning.

Children squeeze as much as they can out of each day.

Children are brave and fearless and take risks.

Children can concentrate intensely on subjects that interest them.

Children can show extreme care for a pet or concern for a suffering friend.

Children laugh and laugh and laugh often at the smallest and simplest of things.

Children don't care how they are perceived.

Children play.

Children have fun.

Children ask hard questions.

Children see things in black and white.

Children believe what you tell them.

Children have no cause to distrust.

Children live in truth.

All this is being child-like, which is good and normal and healthy.

So what is Child-ish-ness?

It is:

Wanting your own way all the time.

Refusing to share with others.

Giving yourself the biggest slice.

Assuming the world revolves around you.

Telling tales about others.

Gossiping.

Being unreliable.

Being indecisive.

Not tidying up after yourself.

An inability to keep appointments or arrive on time.

Blaming someone else.

Not taking responsibility for yourself, your words, your actions.

Getting distracted while doing a task.

Inability to focus.

Inability to set goals and achieve them.

Throwing tantrums when you don't get your way.

Slamming doors. Storming out of the house.

Telling 'Mum' or telling 'Dad' to get the other person in trouble (where 'mum' and 'dad' could be a solicitor, a judge, a policeman or some other authority figure).

Inflicting pain on beings smaller and weaker than yourself.

Laughing at others' misfortunes.

I recognise a lot of these in myself.

Time to embrace the child in me, but nibble away at the child-ish tendencies.