Fickle Us

Today I read an article about an actress altering her appearance,

and I noted how Fickle our society is.

Changeable. Temperamental. Unstable. Unreliable. Shallow.

One day the media approve of someone's appearance, the next day they drag their name through the mud.

It's all about the external; always about how people look on the Outside, never about who we are on the inside.

I might have been judgemental, if I hadn't remembered that I've done the same thing myself.

We find someone attractive, until they grow their hair,

or cut it off,

or put on a bit of weight,

or lose a bit of weight,

or we see them in casual clothes,

or we hear them speak,

or they age,

or they lose their tan,

or they get drunk,

or they smoke,

or we witness them without make-up,

or their hair goes grey,

or they get wrinkles,

or  or  or

Isn't this pathetic of us? Always looking on the outside. Rejecting or accepting someone because of their appearance. How shallow. How fickle. Never taking the time to get to know the person on the inside. Who made me a judge anyway? Who gave me the right to damn this person or elevate another? That's correct, I have NO right to condemn in this way. My job is to first accept and love myself, then to learn to do this for others.

Reminds me of a place I worked in. There were two very different ladies:

1.     The first was young, very outgoing and friendly, loud and exciting, bubbly and engaging, holding eye contact, slightly flirting.

2.     The second was older, quiet, looked down a lot, never made eye contact, appeared unfriendly, didn't engage, just got on with her work.

In my shallowness, I presumed the lively, exciting lady was my friend and the quieter lady didn't like me. How wrong I was to judge by appearance!

It turned out the bouncy, outgoing lady was false, and doing things for political reasons and career advancement. She didn't care about me, and ended up being quite unhelpful.

Whereas the quieter lady was very friendly in her own way, and ended up being extremely helpful to me.

I learnt a lot that day, about looking deeper within a person, to find and accept the real THEM, which is so much more than just external appearance.

If you find a person who is beautiful on the inside, keep them!

Bullies

The age old dilemma, what to do about bullies?

Bullies are those who feel the need to put others down, to abuse and insult other people, to dominate those smaller, slower, weaker than them.

Bullies feel no Empathy. There is no wiring in their heads that says: "How would I feel if I was in their shoes?"   And  "What would this feel like if it was happening to me?".

So, what do we do about them? Run from them? Attack them in return? Feed into their fear?  I guess that is the most elementary of reactions - to fight or flight.

There are those who would say, leave the bullies to bully - it is part of natures selection process: The survival of the fittest. Where the bullies gradually wipe out everyone 'below' them, leaving those equal to them or above.

However, advocating this solution only works until they find themselves to be the victim, or their own child is bullied. Then they see things from a different angle.

In Qui-Gon Jinn's words: "There is always a bigger fish".

Society has moved on from those cave-man days. We no longer punch people if we don't like them. We  [some of us]  have evolved as a race, where we learn the art of Conflict Management; negotiating, communicating, reasoning with people.

Unfortunately, there still exist the undeveloped kind of people that shoot first, then ask questions later. People like this kill spiders because they are afraid of them. They slam new ideas because they don't understand them. They attack people and concepts they don't understand.  Fear, fear, fear.

Bullying is based on fear. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of what's going on inside of them, fear of rejection, scared of being vulnerable.

So much fear. And what is the opposite to fear? LOVE of course.

Another thing to bare in mind, is that the bully is often bullied.

Like Edmund Blackadder said: "The abused always kick downwards".

The loud, aggressive, judgemental, critical boss at work, is often bullied at home.

Going back to the Amygdala Flight or Fight principle.

There are two responses to bullying:

1.     Flight, where we protect, shield, rescue, mollycoddle the victims.
This doesn't work because they never grow and develop.

2.     Fight, where we punish the bullies.
This doesn't work because we are treating fire with fire.

I like to hope there is a third way, which is: Education.

Re-training. Re-aligning. Re-programming. Re-wiring.

Always try and get to the Source of a problem.

Study the bully. Look into their past. Analyse their upbringing. Discuss their parents.

Why do they do the things they do? Try and understand them. Encourage them to know, understand and accept themselves.

Work with them to grow their self confidence, so they feel bigger inside, and won't have to make themselves appear bigger, louder, tougher on the outside.

Help them identify what's churning inside of them. Explain the difference between feeling something, and emoting something. Teach them Emotional Intelligence. Show them how their actions affect other people. Give them the attention they crave. Listen to them. Counsel them. Support them. Give them love and acceptance. Show them there is a better way, a road less travelled, a peaceable option.

Do the same for/with the victims. Reveal the victim mentality. Show them how their thoughts can attract or repel situations. Help them get Big Inside too. Encourage and love them, so their confidence grows too.

Everyone wants connection. To be heard. To be accepted. To be understood. To be loved. Give them this, and this earth will become heaven.

OMG

Why do people declare: Oh My God?

I hear it all the time. 

Who is their God, that they are so earnestly calling for?

I propose their God is their biggest past-time.

What do we think about the most? What grips us? What preoccupies our thinking and consciousness? What is our greatest attachment?  That is our God.

I don't believe it's a turn of phrase, or it's just an expression. Words don't just fall out of our mouths, they come from somewhere inside. It would be good to be mindful of what comes out of our mouths. If I can't control my tongue, then who can?

How many people do we know who,  on entering their homes,  the very first thing they do, is turn the Telly on.  This is then on for the whole day, sitting in pride-of-place in the middle of their home,  a shining, bright, dominant Shrine,  where both children and adults  sit or kneel in front of,  and offer up their allegiance and their time,  and sacrifice their intelligence and their creativity.  They believe everything they see on TV, everything they hear. Can they do without this for one day?  No.

That is their Altar. That is their Shrine. That is their Devotion. That is their preoccupation. That is their God.

Perhaps our God is  where/who/what  we turn to when we are low, sad, needy. Some people turn to alcohol, others to drugs, others to gossip, others to comfort food.

Any addiction is a God.  Anything we can't do without.  OMG, that's what they call for, and that's where they turn to. My opinion is that ANY dependency is unhealthy. Any addiction is a trap, be it food, wine, clubbing, TV Soaps, washing the car - anything that we are unable to do without, has become our God. 

Other people's God is facebook.  OMG, I must post this onto facebook they declare. If they were to be deprived of facebook,  the cold turkey they go through is proof that they hold this platform as an unhealthy object of worship and devotion.

OMG, I must go and eat something un-healthy.

OMG, I must watch this un-edifying programme.

OMG, I must read this damning article.

OMG, I must do some retail therapy (shopping).

OMG, I must tell my friend this juicy bit of gossip.

OMG, I must read about celebrities in this trashy magazine.

OMG, that makes me SO angry.

Let's not be Slaves to our emotions.

Let's be careful what we worship.

Let's be wary of anything that we can't do without.

Hearing: "I just need a glass or two to relax", makes warning bells ring in me.

Oh, your God is calling - off you go like a good little dependant.

Wherever our dominant thoughts go, that is our God.

Anything we can't live without, that's our God.

Any addiction makes us weak, vulnerable, a dependant.

How wonderful it is to be strong and independent,

masters of our State,

rulers of our emotions,

not governed by any desire,

free to follow our own destiny,

with the ability to consciously choose our own actions,

to be mindful of the words we use, what they mean, and what they reveal about our insides.

OMG, I'm not saying that again.

Throw Yourself into Life

So, it's nearly Christmas and I hear a friend say:

"I don't remember last Christmas at all".  I very nearly responded:

"That's because you had no involvement in it".

Life passes you by if you have no involvement with it.

Those who spend their whole childhood watching telly,

then their whole working life following the crowd,

get up, go to work, come home, sleep, repeat,

will reach the end of their lives wondering where all the years went.

No memories to recall. No adventures to speak of. Nothing exciting to tell.

Throw yourself into situations - you will get so much out of them.

Offer to help, open doors, tidy up, encourage someone, give back.

Don't do things half-heartedly. If you volunteer to put out chairs for an event for example, do it joyfully, with a light heart and a giving attitude.

Get engrossed in Today.  Delight in the Now.

In my youth, I used to go to parties on my own, stand in the corner alone, drink alone, leave alone, sleep alone. Then I learnt that if I throw myself into having fun, dancing, singing, giving, serving, helping etc, life is so much more memorable.

So, at Christmas, help put up the tree. Buy presents for people. Go ice skating. Build snowmen with your loved ones. Go for winter walks. Do things that you and those around you will remember for a lifetime.

Remember the type of people who go somewhere exotic abroad for holiday, then sit by the pool drinking beer all day. Never thinking to immerse themselves in the local culture, meet the people of the area, eat the food of the location. Create some unforgettable memories.

And in the end, it's all about Memories. When you are drawing your last breath on a hospital bed, Memories are all you have. Make them good ones. Throw yourself into life, love others, give to others, and your rewards will be far greater than material possessions. You will have inner peace, inner calm, inner strength.

                                                                                                                                                    

Wonderful.

I Don't Feel Well

I Don't Feel Well.

How many times have we heard this?  I hear it a lot from children.

Is it an excuse?  Sometimes.

Is it licence to act badly? To say cruel, hurtful things and get away with it?

Do your feelings give you the right, to make everyone's life around you a misery?

Or is it US, that have given you permission over us; to affect us.

Perhaps we shouldn't be tolerating your behaviour, we should be mirroring it back to you.

It is of course acceptable to "not feel well". There are unavoidable situations we are all susceptible to, like poisoned food, flu and other air-borne viruses that lower our defence system etc.  As well as the mental stress that comes from a trauma.

But at which point does "I Don't Feel Well" become an excuse?

Perhaps, when it is Self Inflicted.

If I stay up late, I feel drained the next day.

If I eat junk (sweets, sugars, processed), I operate on half power, sometimes for two days later.

If I am critical, complaining, gossipy, negative, I will attract (and spread) more misery into my life.

If I lie, then I will probably get caught out, and be exposed and embarrassed.

If I don't give out love and acceptance, then I won't receive any.

Simple cause and effect.

In this respect, my so-called bad feelings are self inflicted. A direct result of my actions, thoughts and words.

There are things I can do if I am genuinely "Not Well".

I need to take ownership of my State, and do something to remedy it.

Start off with being gentle with myself, administer some TLC and love the badness out of my body.

Say I have a headache, I will:

Drink lots  (dehydration causes a lot of headaches)

Get some wind in my face

Lie down in a quiet dark place

Have a shower.  The flowing water massages the scalp.

Massage my brow, my scalp, my sinuses, the back of my neck.

Avoid junk going into my mouth! Fruit and veg - good clean food may clear my mind.

Forgive everyone, release everyone from judgement, no grudges, calm my mind.

I may even cancel public appointments until I can represent myself better.

What I will resist doing with all my strength, is taking out my internal feelings on the people closest to me. Drag everyone around me down by being naggy, sharp, rude, insensitive. Modify my emotions.

Only if I extend love, care and acceptance to myself first, can I do so to others.

If I don't "feel well", I will try and find the CAUSE, and heal myself. If I can.

Finally, some linguistics.

Rather than say: "I DON'T Feel Well",  identify what DO I feel?  How do I feel?

Muggy? Dizzy? Irritable? Weak? Anxious? Angry? Slow? Thirsty? Frustrated? Hot? Ratty?

Let's be specific folks.

What does "WELL" feel like? Clarity of thinking? Ability to make quick decisions? Bouncing up the stairs? Good humoured? Patient? Kind? Probably all of the above and much more.

So, I won't be using "I Don't Feel Well" as an excuse if it is self inflicted. I will love myself better.

Going Against the Traffic

I have always felt the odd one out.

That's because I am! But not odd, just different; Special.

On my way to work, I drive past hundreds of cars going the other way, most of them stationary or creeping along. Why me? How come I am the only one going the other way? Why am I special?

I was made different, I was designed unique. I think differently to most people, I see things differently to most people, I react and respond differently to most people.

I remember sitting in meetings for most of my life, looking around at people's faces, and thinking: Am I the only one here that sees this as a waste of time?

Are you all here just playing a game?

Who are you trying to impress?

Why doesn't somebody say something?

Is everyone here pretending?
Playing a Religious game?
Playing a Corporate game?

Playing a Social game?
Playing a Family game?

Playing a Marriage game?

When will someone shine a light once and for all, and expose the darkness, expose the games, expose the sham, the pretentiousness, the duty, the appeasing.

Oh, I see, it's my job is it!  I guess, if it is to be, then it's up to me.

It's my job to speak out. It's my job to bring light and truth.

But not to anyone else, just change myself first. People will follow if I lead.

Yes, I tried playing their games, for years, but it killed something inside of me. I sacrificed my integrity. I went against my Core Values. That hurt so much. But I thought pain was part of life. Now I realise it doesn't have to be.

I was made to be a winner. As we all are.

I was made to be a success. As we all are.

I was made to go against the traffic.

All these cars are sheep heading to do a 9 till 5 for an employer. Lining the pockets of someone else.

I am heading to provide a valued service to a group of grateful children. Such an honour.

I no longer feel the odd one out in a negative way. Instead, I feel huge joy and relief going against the traffic, knowing I used to be part of that trap.

The Rat Race, it's called, but I don't see anyone racing. They sit nose-to-tail, inching forward when given permission. Like a prison camp. The only thing that races is their blood pulse, as their pressure and stress levels rise, and their creativity and intuition goes down.

And I don't see any rats either. I see real people, each one on their own journey through life, each one dealing with individual problems.

Sure there have been Greats like the Gandhi's, the Luther-King's, the Mandela's, who have stood against entire nations and driven the other way. But we can achieve just as much in our small social circles, exposing darkness, stirring up the stagnant water, bringing truth, light and clarity to ourselves first, then to everyone around us.