Return To Dependency

We have three equal sides: THE ADULT, THE CHILD and THE PARENT.

All three are vital to us having a rounded personality.

Childhood is wonderful, filled with play and exploration, learning and wonder.

These are the qualities we must take into adulthood.

Never lose or repress the child in us - it is a valuable and necessary side to us.

The other side of childhood however, is the dependency.

Children are dependants.

Children are all born helpless, and everything has to be done for them.

The universe revolves around them, their needs are met instantly.

This is perfectly normal and necessary for the first period of their lives.

But gradually, we as parents, begin the process of weaning.

Teaching our children that they can be responsible for aspects of their lives.

Teaching them the difference between needs and wants.

Teaching them that they can't have everything immediately, and have to wait patiently sometimes.

During this period of weaning, the child will rebel. Will 'try-it-on'. Will push the boundaries. This may take the form of sulking, crying, moping, throwing tantrums, stamping feet, throwing themselves onto the floor in a rage.

As people grow older in age, their return to dependency may get more subtle. They may resort to manipulating, complaining, dropping hints, making their partner feel guilty. Fits of anger. Raised voices. Storming out of the house. Driving too fast. Being aggressive/defensive. Hurling accusations.

Why do we, as grown-ups  exhibit these child-ish characteristics? Could it be because we find the real, Now, world overwhelming? Do we feel ill equipped to deal with our current situation? Does it make us feel vulnerable?  So, instead of acknowledging this and asking for help and support (which would be the mature thing to do), we look around in panic, for someone, anyone, anything to blame. Except ourselves. Unfortunately, it's usually our close family that get it from us first.

If we were forced to repress our child-nature when we were young, we may now feel guilty or embarrassed when the child in us needs attention. If we deny the child in us attention, it may come out in depression, overwhelm, stress, sickness and dis-ease. This is where the work/life balance is important. If we work hard, we need to play hard too.  Like children!

Another trait of grown-ups "Returning to Dependency", is some people may become ill or maintain an illness in order to get the kind of help and support, love and attention they feel they need. People who were not nurtured as children (or who don't know how to nurture and love themselves) may make themselves unemployable or undesirable, thereby remaining dependants.

The characteristic which I relate to in this sad array, is the complaining. Constant complaints and criticisms. Why do we do this? It makes us so unattractive. Is it because we see ourselves as superior to others? Perhaps a bit of humility and compassion and of course empathy would go a long way here.

Recognising this as a child-ish trait, helped me overcome it.

As we often say: "Better to light a candle than complain about the darkness".

Means:

Stop whinging,  and do something about it!

Improve your world, rather than complain about it!

Take action to solve your problem, rather than griping about it!

Wise words

Child-Like, not Child-ish

Children are wonderful, childhood is wonderful.

Children explore.

Children are fascinated with the world

Children see everything with new, big, wide eyes.

Children are satisfied with the simple things of life, like an empty box or a grassy hill.

Children are consumed with learning.

Children squeeze as much as they can out of each day.

Children are brave and fearless and take risks.

Children can concentrate intensely on subjects that interest them.

Children can show extreme care for a pet or concern for a suffering friend.

Children laugh and laugh and laugh often at the smallest and simplest of things.

Children don't care how they are perceived.

Children play.

Children have fun.

Children ask hard questions.

Children see things in black and white.

Children believe what you tell them.

Children have no cause to distrust.

Children live in truth.

All this is being child-like, which is good and normal and healthy.

So what is Child-ish-ness?

It is:

Wanting your own way all the time.

Refusing to share with others.

Giving yourself the biggest slice.

Assuming the world revolves around you.

Telling tales about others.

Gossiping.

Being unreliable.

Being indecisive.

Not tidying up after yourself.

An inability to keep appointments or arrive on time.

Blaming someone else.

Not taking responsibility for yourself, your words, your actions.

Getting distracted while doing a task.

Inability to focus.

Inability to set goals and achieve them.

Throwing tantrums when you don't get your way.

Slamming doors. Storming out of the house.

Telling 'Mum' or telling 'Dad' to get the other person in trouble (where 'mum' and 'dad' could be a solicitor, a judge, a policeman or some other authority figure).

Inflicting pain on beings smaller and weaker than yourself.

Laughing at others' misfortunes.

I recognise a lot of these in myself.

Time to embrace the child in me, but nibble away at the child-ish tendencies.

Renting A Property

When the Beatles performed the song "All You Need Is Love" in 1967, many of us didn't realise how significant the words were.

Love and Joy have a vibrational frequency of 500 and above.

Fear, shame, guilt, anxiety and blame all vibrate at below 100.

(Ref: Christie-Marie Sheldon from www.loveorabove.com)

The higher the vibration you send out,

the happier, more at peace you are,

and the more open you are to attracting similar people, possessions and situations back to you.

I see it as both an antenna and a transmitter on my head; I send out love and gratitude, so I receive more of the very things I love and am grateful for.

So, here I am, renting a property.

This is already a sensitive subject for me, making me feel vulnerable and not in control of my life and home, so I am already coming from a weak place.

I have a landlady who lives next-door, she won't communicate politely, makes no effort to control her emotions, won't help us fix things or improve the house.

So, what shall I do?

Shall I send her hate and anger?

Shall I stare at her windows in disgust as I walk past?

Shall I wish ill upon her?

Shall I plot my revenge?  Hurt her in return?

Shall I post threatening messages through her letter box?

Shall I confront her and have a shouting match?

Shall I write incriminating words in the local paper?

Shall I go legal on her?

Shall I talk to her husband about her?

Shall I sit here and steam and fume and writhe in bitterness?

Will any of these behaviours improve my situation?

Will I feel better as a result?  Really?

What vibration am I emanating as I think and dwell on how evil she is? Very low, I would suggest.

How about I try and implement what I preach, and find reasons to love?

I love my new home because:

It has double glazed windows

It has new carpets throughout

It has been redecorated top to bottom

It has off-road parking for me and my guests

It had beautiful wooden stair banisters

It has a skylight

It has large and high rooms

It has no neighbours on one side

There is complete silence in the house

It is on a quiet side road, just off the busy high street

It is walking distance from the sea

The front garden is maintained by a gardener

The walls are thick and retain heat

The kitchen is huge.

Sounds like an idyllic place to live!

So many people in this world have only a fraction of the good things I have.

I choose not to focus on the landlady, thereby losing my peace and joy, but instead to send her love and gratitude, and focus on the many beautiful aspects of the home we are building.

Love is indeed all I need

Old Habits Die Hard

Trying to change

a habit  or

a paradigm

a view point

a mode of thinking

a way of doing things,

or any other aspect of yourself

WITHOUT getting to the source, the cause, the origin,

is exhausting.  (And really frustrating for your partner).

It's like spilling something, mopping it up, spilling it again, then mopping it up again in an endless cycle. Best to get to the reason why the spillage happened, and prevent it occurring in the first place.

Why do I judge people? Because I judge myself.

Why do I criticise people? Because I criticise myself.

Why do I look down on people? Because I look down on myself.

Why am I harsh with other people? Because I am harsh with myself.

On the other hand,

Why do I love people? Because I love myself.

Why am I accepting of other people? Because I accept myself.

Why am I patient with other people? Because I am patient with myself.

Why do I show compassion and gentleness to other people? Because I am compassionate and gentle with myself.

Here are harder habits to break:

·       Why do I interrupt my sweetheart when she speaks?
What is it inside of me that causes me to interrupt?

·       Why does my mind flit  from subject to subject?
How can I slow it down? Be more in the Now.

·       Why do I jump to conclusions?
What is it inside of me that causes me to jump to conclusions?

·       Why do I assume my sweetheart is implying something she isn't?
What causes me to make assumptions?

·       Why do I not listen when my sweetheart is speaking?
What ingrained habit causes me to not listen?

·       Why do I have these buttons inside of me that cause me to explode when they are pressed?
What caused these exploding buttons in the first place?

More importantly: What can I do about it now!

A Man's Best Friend

There is an old phrase: A Dog is a Man's (and Woman's) Best Friend.

The original intention was that wolves and people form a working relationship, where the wolves hunt and track the food, the humans finish the job, and both could then enjoy the resulting meal.

Co-operate and co-labour, working together, learning to think alike, gradually becoming closer until they could pre-empt and respond to each other's moves, moods and needs. A friendship ensues, a mutual respect, where dog and human respect each other, seek out each other, want each other, need each other, love each other.

At some point, and for various reasons, wolves became domesticated and dependent on the humans, and the humans took on a new role of 'Owner'. Looking after their dogs, giving them a good home, feeding them, caring for them.

There have been many accounts of dogs rescuing humans, protecting humans, fighting for and standing up for their owners, so the relationship is still one of respect and mutual collaboration, even love and appreciation.

This is a far cry from the relationships I see in the streets of today, where people treat their dogs like luggage, dragging them by a leash across busy, scary roads, along crowded pavements, from claustrophobic shop to shop. I watch in sadness as I see such a devoted and precious animal, sitting on a marble floor while their owner sits on a warm cushioned chair. Being stepped on by other people, being bashed by bags and pushchairs, being yanked around by the noose around their neck, their lead getting tangled in railings, being sworn at by their owners. I shudder when I hear dog owners shout at their loyal four-legged friends, curse them, even kick them to move them out of the way.

Poor wolves. They used to be so proud, walk so tall, be so useful in nature. Dogs aren't meant to be in cities, or walk on hard sidewalks, or made to sit on freezing cold paving slabs. They are meant to run free in fields, on mountains, in grass on sand. No poopa-scooper needed here; It's a dog's natural habitat.

Dogs were supposed to walk alongside their human companion as equals, sharing life together, supporting each other, respecting each other, honouring one another.

Pups can be trained to respond to a nod, a murmur, a hand signal, a whistle, a gesture, a look, even a thought.

I watched two such relationships:

1.  A lady in a crowded city street, violently dragging her tiny long-haired dog by the neck, when the little dog broke free from her lead, and ran off barking furiously, with the lady screaming "Princess" after her in a rage, and waving her fist.

2.  A man was jogging with his huge dog, along the beach. Side-by-side. No leash. Complete unity and trust between them. The dog looked up at the man. The man looked down at his companion. A smile passed between them, no words necessary. Surely that's a better way to be.

I like the idea of going for a walk WITH our four-legged-friends, instead of having to "take the dog for a walk".

A New Relationship

I come home late after a long day at work.

Take my shoes and coat off,

Go upstairs, take my work clothes off put on something comfortable,

Go into the kitchen, grab a drink and a snack,

Flop in front of the computer to answer the days emails,

Maybe do some marketing on facebook,

Prepare for the next day,

Then sit down to watch or read something to unwind before bed.

Sounds familiar?  Yes.  It's what we all do.

Sounds normal?   Yes.

Is it acceptable?   Well, it was when I was a single man.

But now, I am in a committed relationship.

I have someone else in my life and home I want to consider.

Want to consider, yes.  Need to consider?  Also yes.

There are certain (very welcome) requirements when in a relationship.

My Lady is now the most important person in my life.

She comes first before anyone or anything else.

I consider her first, before emails, before social media, before my phone, before the TV, before spending.

When I come in to the house, it's her I call for.

It's her I rush to greet first.

It's her I want to reconnect with, before I do all the other ME things. If I do all the ME things, and leave her till last, what message does that send?

Now, it's very important to be me.

It is necessary to Exist.

It is vital to be authentic.

I am a person, I have rights.

However,  what we are talking about here, is redressing the balance. The balance between doing MY thing, on my own, and doing OUR thing. Together.

We are a team now.  We go through things together, hand in hand.

Yes of course, I could carry on doing all the things I used to do when I was single, but I would probably find myself single again soon!

No, I value our relationship higher than any possession or leisure activity now.

I'd rather have her, than the house or the holiday. A house with her is a home. A holiday without her is just a solitary day out.

So, I allow my love to pour out to her.

It's not a skill to be learned, or a habit to be forced. It is simply my natural and genuine love for her, being expressed in every way possible, at every moment possible.

When I see her in the street, I beam at her.

I always leave her with a smile, some kind words and a kiss on her lips.

When I go to work in the morning, the last words that caress her ears are "I Love You".

When I pass her, I stroke her, I touch her, I caress her.

When she changes outfit, I tell her how lovely she looks.

I call her gorgeous and beautiful and other affectionate names.

When she cooks for me, I am full of gratitude to her.

When she walks downstairs, I mindfully walk in front of her.

When she approaches the car, I always open her door first and make sure she is in safely.

These actions aren't learned; they flow out of a natural desire to be with someone, to honour someone, to love and respect them, to make her feel appreciated and LOVED.

The more I love me,  is the more I can love her.

The more I love her, is the more she chooses to love me back.

Perfect relationship!

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

"I believe you" - One of the most powerful sentiments Ever.

What I believe about you dictates everything I do with you, say to you, feel about you, think about you.

What I believe about you, makes me

cagey or liberal,

closed or open,

guarded or trusting,

suspicious or receptive,

treading on eggshells or living in the Light.

Consistency is a key word. If you have been consistently unpleasant to me, day after day for years, then you suddenly act nice, I am suspicious, and am not likely to trust you.

On the other hand, if you have been consistently pleasant to me, time after time, then if you do or say something that sounds nasty, I will assume I have misunderstood you, or misheard you, and I will ask what you meant.

"I believe you" means:

you have been consistent with your love and affections,

you have been consistent with you time and words,

you have been consistent with your support and approval

you have been consistent with your care and concern.

It's not that I'm testing you. It's more like I have been too open and trusting in the past, which has led to me being hurt and abused, so now I am careful who I let into my life.  Fair enough; it's a natural response.

So for me to finally say: "I believe you" is monumentous.

Does she love me? I believe she does. She has proven it time after time, for months and months, consistent and reliably.

I am overwhelmed by her Love. I am bowled over by her repeated affirmations, by her trust, by her concern, by her giving, by her support, by her kind words.

Support - now that's another key word for me.

Some people sap from me, take from me, use me. This Lady ADDS to me, gives back to me, enhances me.

So, does she love me? A resounding YES.

I believe it.

This belief, this revelation, this light-bulb moment changes everything I am, everything I do to her, everything I do for her.

This conviction affects my behaviour, my loyalty, my support back to her.

Because I now finally have this belief, I will give her everything - all of me.

I will love all of her back.

Everything I want, I will give to her first.

What is Love?

Is it words? Yes, and MUCH more.

Is it a feeling? Yes, but not at first.

Is it an action? Yes. It has to be expressed and seen.

Is it a belief? Yes.

Is it a conviction? Yes

Is it a knowing? Yes.

Is it based on Truth? Yes.

Is it faith?  I don't know what faith is.

Is it care and nurturing? Yes

Is it tough? Yes.

This is the other side of Love we discussed previously.